Finding Common Ground: an Open Letter to BTP
Posted by Bradley L. Garrett on Monday Jun 27, 2011 Under Academia, Breaking and Entering, Civil Rights, Cultural Geography, Departures, Geography, Infiltration, Infrastructure, Transport for London, Urban ExplorationKnowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
– Goethe
Dear British Transport Police,
I hear that in a recent police interview, you produced 91 pages of Place Hacking you had apparently printed out from a high quality laserjet. Firstly, let me just say that I am delighted you used so much toner working toward a better understanding of how urban exploration functions as a critical spatial practice to unveil hidden parts of the city and activate little moments of urban orgasmic wonder in an age rendered increasingly banal by forces of securitisation (no offence intended). We always suspected that only you guys, and maybe some of the TFL track workers, could ever understand the depths of our tube and train fetish. Do you like to stand in tunnels and record clips like this too?
I knew it! So listen guys, just between fellow train pornographers, you arrested some of us on Easter. It was a clean bust, we got a little silly there for a few weeks running around on live lines and everything and you were pretty cool about it. But the thing is, you forced your way into my flat while I wasn’t there and you’ve been holding computers, cameras and hard drives in your offices under some sort of vague “terrorism” authority for 3 months now. I never gave you permission to come in my house and the whole thing, if I’m being frank with you, is beginning to reek of a civil rights violation. Now I’m not trying to be cheeky here but we all know that you understood within 10 minutes of talking to us that we’re just train geeks with expensive cameras. I mean Howard Stern even said we’re like Dungeons and Dragons ubernerds that took our adventures into real life. Which is pretty accurate.
Bigger
Nerds
So given all the cuts going through a wide swath of UK society at the moment, you will understand if I suggest that the funds diverted for this “investigation” are being rather ill-invested. You see, in contrast to, let’s say, Lambrini chav chicks screaming on trains which apparently happens every day, we cause far less trouble for BTP. I mean 98% of the time you didn’t even know we were in there. We were also very forthcoming when you caught us, we played fair. Tell me, have you learned anything new looking through our hard drives full of porn and pictures of trains and cranes? I didn’t think so. And in terms of the acts of “terror” you apparently think we are involved with, well the only terror we inspire is the kind that makes you think about your life and how you’ve wasted it working at a boring office job when you could have been running around in TFL tunnels with that warm, brakedust-laced air swishing around you, getting all in your teeth and jumping over the 3rd rail running from the worktrains at 3am, diving into the Japanese knotweed they never clear up. It’s not any more terrorful than, let’s say yarn bombing or throwing magnetic lights on buildings or skateboarding. Though I suppose you might consider those activities big “social scourges” as well eh?
Let bygones
Be bygones
Look, I am just going to lay it out here for you BTP. We make the city more fun. We do this because we love it, not because we want to make your life difficult. Honestly, it would be better for all parties involved if you just ignored it. We aren’t doing anyone harm. In fact, it could be argued that we actually make the city safer by exposing flaws in your transportation network that a bunch of kids with bulky tripods and backpacks can sneak into – no telling what someone who was really motivated could do. Tell you what, we promise that if we ever see a “terrorist” down there we’ll brain them with a tripod okay? In the end, we are, I am sure you realise at this point, basically model citizens: active, aware, careful, well-dressed and *ahem* well-educated – not to mention the fact we’ve been running citizen patrols in the tunnels we pay to maintain (and pay you to police) for 3 years now without ever asking for a dime!
And so, in the spirit of reconciliation, taking into account all I have outlined above (as well as my many publications on the topic you also undoubtedly printed off on that crisp laserjet and enjoyed with a nice scotch), I have prepared an invoice for the work we have done exposing your network’s security flaws. I will CC another copy to your office but would appreciate prompt payment on this, given you have everything we own and we need to buy some new ropes, harnesses and bolt croppers.
Anyway, I hope you guys are having a good summer. Mine is pretty boring, just writing about all the disused Tube stations we explored and stuff. Cool thing is though, at the end of it I get a PhD. Now that, my friends, is public money well invested! Please let me know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
The Goblinmerchant
PS. You guys should try exploring everything, it’s awesome!
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June 27th, 2011 at 10:24 pm
Love it!
Fingers crossed they cough up!
June 27th, 2011 at 10:25 pm
Excellent post – and I whole heartedly agree – what a waste of time and money on their part. If they were that concerned they could have better invested the funds in securing the rail systems. Its just as well you didnt have motives as I have no doubt you could have done it. As you rightly state, you're just a bunch of UE guys who like to get dirty and take photos – what's the harm in that.
Anyway, I hope that they enjoyed the photos and you well written commentary on the subject that so many enjoy. Maybe you should contact the Daily Fail and see what they hcawe to say on the matter?
Best of luck with the invoice.
June 27th, 2011 at 10:26 pm
haha, badman jokeries 'pon DIS TING!
June 27th, 2011 at 10:29 pm
I would love to see a response.
June 27th, 2011 at 10:34 pm
ali winrar
June 28th, 2011 at 12:24 am
a+++++++++++ excellent urbex would definitely do again. seriously, nice one…!
June 28th, 2011 at 9:15 am
Haha, this is brilliant!
June 28th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
are you mailing a copy as well? 😀
July 9th, 2011 at 8:10 pm
[…] Bradley Garrett: An open letter to the British Transport Police […]
July 17th, 2011 at 4:10 pm
fucking arrogant idiot.
July 17th, 2011 at 4:22 pm
Kisses to you too sweetie.
July 27th, 2011 at 3:23 pm
FUCK BTP!!!!
July 28th, 2011 at 3:53 pm
the ps is a bit ironic, beacause your killing your hobby, killing other peaples passions. If btp find out how we get in the stations there'll be no way in, to much security and so no more urban exploration no more graffiti, so your killing the london scene, correct me if im wrong if not fuck you.
July 27th, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Welcome to the world of the graffiti writer. Before you know it they'll be locking up you urb-ex types for petty misdemeanours; just like they've been doing to our kind for the past two decades or so…
July 28th, 2011 at 3:33 am
Big shouts to Colin Saysell and Ali Ross on this one xxx
July 28th, 2011 at 7:58 am
Whilst on the most part I agree btp are a bunch of nuggets, I assume their duty to make sure you are not a bunch of crazy terrorists masquerading as geeks or for that matter geeky terrorists about to drop ‘da bomb’ on a load of innocent commuters has to take president over your escapism from middle class hum drum. I am all down for a bit of urban exploring, no one should tell you where or where not to go, but come on you are wandering round used tunnels and some pretty shifty areas, if one day someone got mashed I am sure they would feel some responsibility for not stopping you as I am sure their friends and family would not say ” it was quentins own silly fault for wandering around in a live tunnel. Maybe you should ask a driver of a tube train who has hit someone if it’s all a great lol. Peace out homies
July 28th, 2011 at 9:10 am
Genius.
Love the letter, and FUCK BTP FOREVER
July 28th, 2011 at 10:48 am
You guys just wont listen. Why cant you keep what you do between yourselves? If what you do hots up anything for writers even in the slightest it will turn nasty if ever you are confronted. Someone I know allready contacted you guys. Do not take these words lightly. This shows just how clueless you guys really are when it comes to LU, BTP and actions that are taken because of clueless idiots like yourselves exposing and taunting the authorities. You havent been exposed to the bigger picture yet therefore you dont take things serioulsy enough. Keep what you do between yourselves and let it stay that way.
July 29th, 2011 at 9:54 am
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but writing on the trains is more likely to hot things up than a few posts/pictures on the internet?
July 28th, 2011 at 1:21 pm
at the end of the day its a known fact that breaking into the underground is possible and happens all the time btp wont pay him anything he will be classed as another criminal end of !
July 28th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Having been fined £50 by BTP for trespassing on a semi-live depot in Nottinghamshire which 10 years ago or sooner was perfectly acceptable I can relate to this.
July 29th, 2011 at 10:11 am
With respect TBM, no you can't.
July 28th, 2011 at 5:54 pm
BTP are clowns.Raided a mate of mine at dawn,took loads of 'evidence' of graffiti.went to crown court for a jury trial at a cost of approx £10,000 A DAY(his barrister gave us that figure) so ther was a huge waste of almost £100,000 when he wasnt convicyted of a single offence.Funny how that story never made the news.
July 29th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
KEEP WHAT YOU DO BETWEEN YOURSELFS!
July 29th, 2011 at 6:12 pm
So what's with books like Crack and Shine coming out, where you lot talk candidly about where you've been and what you've painted on?
July 29th, 2011 at 6:17 pm
btp are just bored bullys that have nothing better to do they just wish they could be out and about doing shit like that. it comes down to they all got abused in school so they are taking it out on the public. they need to fuck of a solve real crimes.
August 2nd, 2011 at 2:06 pm
An excellent tongue in cheek letter.
This 'exploration' is fine, if potentially viewable as a bit suspicious by certain people, even if the intention is not.
Graffiti is not. Graffiti is just mess.
August 15th, 2011 at 1:54 pm
4 x 100 x 75 = 30,000
August 16th, 2011 at 11:40 am
arrogant and hot..
February 8th, 2012 at 9:27 pm
[…] the BTP aren’t just interested in writers these days. This guy has invoiced the Transport Police for 45,000 pounds for his services to exposing gaps in Tube […]
February 28th, 2012 at 12:04 pm
you get a PhD at the end of your summer, what in, being a cock? £75 an hour for that? I wouldn't pay you minimum wage for the the state of your shitesite!
March 4th, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Dr Cock, you got it busty!
April 14th, 2015 at 3:05 pm
You guys just wont listen. Why cant you keep what you do between yourselves? If what you do hots up anything for writers even in the slightest it will turn nasty if ever you are confronted. Someone I know allready contacted you guys.Keep working on this and thank you once again.
April 25th, 2015 at 10:14 pm
btp are just bored bullys that have nothing better to do they just wish they could be out and about doing shit like that. This shows just how clueless you guys really are when it comes to LU, BTP and actions that are taken because of clueless idiots like yourselves exposing and taunting the authorities.